


Gorilla Warfare

by orphan_account



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Copypasta, Gen, Kink Meme, Meta, shitpost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-13
Updated: 2013-06-13
Packaged: 2017-12-14 21:05:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/841376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Garrus makes the shitpost to end all shitposts." In a dark time of increasingly horrendously stupid Garrus-themed kink meme prompts, Commander Shepard takes it upon himself to stage an intervention.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gorilla Warfare

**Author's Note:**

> For the kink meme
> 
> Prompt: Fail!Garrus and the Extranet. Garrus makes the shitpost to end all shitposts. (hinthint)

Garrus giggled immaturely as he pressed "post comment" once more for some stupid shitprompt on the Mass Effect anonymous kink meme. Little did he know that the entire crew of the Normandy stood behind him, looking forlorn as they watched him act like a middle schooler who had just discovered the extranet.  
  
Slowly, he turned to face Shepard. “Oh, hi, commander. Need me for something?” he asked, the pinnacle of innocence.  
  
"Garrus, you need to stop," Commander John Shepard said sternly as he placed a manly hand on Garrus's weird collar thing. "Recently, the kink meme has been utterly clogged up by shitposts about you," he counted off on his fingers as he listed, "Falling in love with a carrot, discovering that a snail was your spirit animal, fucking a palm tree, becoming a coconut, graduating top of your class from something called the 'Navy Seals,' watching Nanalan and being scared, making shitposts on the Mass Effect kink meme, and getting impaled by piss spears in the arctic."  
  
He sighed deeply before he continued, "I asked EDI to check it out, and it turned out that all of these shitprompts came from one IP address. Your IP address."  
  
“Wait, you can’t just do that! Not even the admins can trace anonymous posts back to their senders! That’s the whole point of being anonymous!” Garrus sputtered, attempting wholeheartedly to close his browser as if that would somehow destroy all of the evidence. (It wouldn’t.)  
  
“Garrus, this is an intervention. The entire crew of the Normandy knows. EDI used her weird sexy robot-body and whipped up some extranet magic and all the crumbs of the daisy train lead right back to YOU, bro,” Shepard stumbled over his metaphor like a kitten in a haystack, “Anyway, you need to stop this right now, it’s embarrassing. You’re acting like a god damn fool, Garrus.”  
  
Garrus’s eyes bugged out as much as they could for a turian. His mandibles opened, and nothing could stop the torrent of shittiness that spewed forth:  
“What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Turian Navy, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Noveria, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire roster of C-Sec personnel. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before in this galaxy, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Extranet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across Palaven and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Spectres and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.”  
  
Tali began to cry.  
  
“I’m sorry everyone. It’s too late for him now,” Shepard sobbed manlily as he pushed Garrus and his omni-tool into an airlock.  
  
And everyone on the kink meme rejoiced.

**Author's Note:**

> i really hope you get the really stupid reference otherwise this fic wont make sense to you


End file.
